It’s hard to be aware. Sometimes, I would find myself alone (as one does) and stuck in introspection. Thinking about how to become a better person and apply the idea to my everyday life. It was great! Until I came around other people and the problem started again. My mouth worked faster than my mind, I would talk and talk and forget what I was saying just a moment later. It was hard to consider everything that was coming out of my mouth. Especially when my problem was talking, which I loved oh-so much. I would overshare, complain, talk about myself too much and only say negative things for the most part. If you’ve spent some time on this website, you’ll know as well as me that manifestation is a powerful thing, and executing negative energy, negative words, negative thoughts always comes back around to you in the end.
‘It’s supposed to be easy, its supposed to be easy’ became a mantra. ‘You don’t have to always have something to say!’ I kept in mind. If I’m being honest, this is something I still struggle with today; self control, mindfulness. If this sounds familiar to you, I want you to take a look at the things you’ve regretted saying. It could have been embarrassing, or not right for the moment, you could have told someone a secret and got no feedback from it, leaving you confused and upset. For instance, my biggest problem is oversharing. I would tell people things about me after we just met and didn’t know each other very well. Why? By telling these practical strangers things about myself they could hold against me or judge me for, what was I really doing? I gave this other person a false sense of myself, because whether you believe it or not, you are not your defined by your secrets or mistakes. They know what I regret, but do they know me? I was scared of closeness but still craved it, and my oversharing created a comfortable boundary for me. But to the other person involved, I had already crossed that boundary. Telling a secret to someone you’ve just met isn’t wrong, but it doesn’t make them your friend. This sucks because that’s all I was trying to do, make friends.
All anybody ever knows is what you tell them. You may think you’re oversharing things because its easier to get the bad things out before a new relationship begins. Or maybe your confidence is low and you think there’s no good in you so you might as well get the confessions out of the way. Telling people these secrets is just a way for you to present yourself differently from who you are. It’s a shield. A false idea of someone else’s picture of you. Wisdom comes from knowing that this version you’ve presented yourself as is not really you. You could have an expectation that saying these things will help you become closer and may not even realize that these feelings really come from a place of validation and wanting so badly for others to understand you. You might even overshare selectively with only others who do the same thing, realize that these people aren’t coming to you from a place of trust (although trust still may be built) but rather just how that individual acts to everybody, not just you. Realize that there needs to be an equal exchange and consider the energy you want around you.
Now, of course I’m not saying that you shouldn’t open up or be vulnerable. You should- but around the right people. Sharing those dark thoughts with people who don’t really care (and most don’t) will only leave you feeling lonely and guilty. Nobody should feel that way. When building a new relationship or working on an old one with someone you’re worried about crossing these boundaries with- and yes, it is an issue of boundaries, you can test the waters and see if you get something genuine back, then open up a bit more. Remember that the other person will also need to have trust in you so they may open up as well. Life isn’t tit for tat but nobody should give without ever receiving. If you’d like to overshare with someone and don’t know who, spill it to a therapist instead. What matters most, though, is that your thoughts, beliefs, actions are all things you stand for, despite the opinions of others. You learn what you want by experiencing what you don’t want. I realized at some point that I am not emotionally built for friendships where there is no effort and this is okay. Although it can be hard finding people who want to listen to what you have to say, they’re out there. Your only job to find them is being authentic, and if all else fails and you still are searching for a meaningful relationship… my advice? Talk Less, Listen More